I have finally come to realise that I live life waiting for the next thing. Believing that it’s the next thing which will make me truly happy.
So far that has been when I have a boyfriend, when we get engaged, married, when we have kiddo number 1, a bigger flat, kiddo number 2, a house and garden, kiddo 3, when I weigh a ridiculous weight which can’t be maintained, a bigger house and a bigger garden, when Carl finds a curacy, when we move to curacy, when we get some pets, kiddo 4, some more pets. I could go on but I think you get the picture.
And I think I am realising that it’s not the next thing which brings the fulfilment, there needs to be a way to look forward to the next thing whilst also fully enjoying the present. Is that possible?
When we had Abigail I was so desperate to be at the next stage that I ended up not fully enjoying the moment we were in with her, she’s now almost 18 months and I think most of that I wished away; when she’s crawling, walking, sleeping…then I can enjoy it more.
And my ‘ping’ moment came on my dog walk this afternoon, maybe being happy isn’t the outward thing I thought it was, maybe it’s internal. Maybe there is a way to learn to like me where I am at the moment rather than thinking the things I add to my life will bring happiness.
So here goes, I think I’m an alright person, I have a pretty good sense of humour, there are days I think I look ok, I’m good company and I take it as a compliment when Olivia (7) tells me I’m weird. Although she’s pretty bonkers too!
I think that’s enough for now, I don’t want to give myself a big head. But when you live life telling yourself you’re not good at this or that (I thought I’d be a terrible blogger) then you give up trying new things. “I’m not going to do well at this so why bother” and I realise it’s about me and it’s for me. Yes I hope my rambling speaks to someone else but for the most part it’s me finally realising I can do things which bring me pleasure and satisfaction.
So for this moment I am working on liking me as I currently am, while also working on making me the best me I can be.