I am aware that I have not posted anything for over a week and I think that has been unintentionally intentional 😀
If I’m honest I have struggled with what to write about and I realised that I have been trying to ‘blog’ out of my own strength and not through God’s. What I think God wants me to write rather than actually listening to him and asking what he wants me to write about.
I realised today (on my dog walk) that I am driven by performance; how well will I do at something and if I’m unlikely to do well (whatever that means) then I’m unlikely to even try.
I have just started running again and am frustrated that I can’t run as far as I’d like – I’m still in the ‘I hate running’ phase!
I’ve realised I don’t like having to put effort in, I want results but don’t want to put the discipline in to get those results.
Entering the world of blogging has heightened all of this as I can see every comment, every’share’, ‘like’, ‘hit’, ‘follow’ and I take all of those as a measure of how accepted I am by others when really I should be looking to a God for his acceptance and love of me and not a number on a computer screen.
Along the way I have skewed my thinking of God and I have turned Him into a god that sits on a throne waiting for me to come and show him what I have done/achieved for him “look God, look at what good writing I did, see how many people liked it”. My relationship with God has become about earning his love and approval rather than accepting that he loves me. Not because of anything I can do but because of who he is.
I have stopped looking to God for my identity and self worth and have instead looked to other people to tell me how good I am.
So today I decided to blog only when I feel prompted by God and look to him rather than the stats page.