Where do I put my trust?

For the past few months God has been trying to teach me the gifts of patience and trust. Sadly I don’t seem to be a quick learner.

We are in the process of leaving Carl’s curacy Church and heading to his first incumbency (vicar job) and since June it has felt like God was calling us to trust Him and be patient; something I find very hard to do. I like to feel in control of my life, and that of my family. I like knowing what is happening next and when it’s happening. This was not God’s plan. In asking us to trust Him He has revealed one piece of the puzzle at a time and it has been so frustrating! I have not be able to ‘do’ anything to speed the process up and I have realised that if I’m not able to ‘do’ then I feel out of control and when I feel out of control I reach for anything I can be in control of. Which is ridiculous really because the ‘thing’ I should be reaching for isn’t a thing at all, it is God. The ONE who is constant, reliable and always there.

On my dog walk today, yes I’m back listening to God while out walking, I saw a beautiful rainbow (just after being soaked in a downpour) 

And it felt like God was reminding me that He has got this! He is holding Carl, me and the kids in this process. In fact He was holding this whole season before we knew anything about it.

And yet still, in times of uncertainty, I panic and my first response isn’t to go to God my first response is to try and control things in my own strength. “God are you sure you know what your doing here, remember we have kids right?” Like I could do a better job than God.

I heard a talk recently about how an Oak tree is a blueprint for our lives, their roots spread deep and far and yet they are unseen. What is unseen is the most significant.

So how deep are my roots? How rooted in God am i?

My hope should come from God and not from the earthly things which are out of my control anyway despite my attempts to control them. I need to develop deep roots so that when uncertainty comes, and things feel a bit unsettled and stormy, I can lean into God rather than trying to grab hold of things which will ultimately fail me.

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus blood and righteousness

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

But wholly trust in Jesus name

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My story matters

So I realise I have not posted for over 7 weeks. To start with it was because I felt God wasn’t giving me anything to say but as the weeks have gone by I have admitted to myself that the reason I haven’t posted was fear. I have been fearful of failing, of not being ‘good enough’.

I am one of those people who listens to the lies of the enemy quite a lot, more then I realised actually. It turns out that his voice is far louder in my life than God’s.

When it came to my blog, which had definitely felt like a God inspired thing, the enemies whisper came along in waves. “Who are you to put your thoughts out there”, “what will people think of you”, “people will dislike you”, “you are not good enough”, “your pathetic” and on and on. 

It turns out the power of shame is pretty high in my life and I’ve been allowing Satan to get away with stealing my identity and keeping me down, buried beneath a mountain of shame and negative self talk. He has robbed me of my self worth and has told me countless times that I am not good enough in any area, that I am a failure and a disappointment. He has stolen my joy and the identity that the Bible tells me I have as a child of God.

I’ve been learning a lot recently about the power of our stories and wholeheartedly believe that my story may be hope and freedom to others. I see now why satan would much rather keep me quiet. 

Shame thrives in secrecy and silence but speak it out and the power is gone. So I’m digging deep and finding courage in God, knowing that He has my back. I’m stepping out, owning my story and sharing it and my prayer would be you can share your story too. Over to you!