I’m doing ok

I think a lot of my posts tend to come from struggles I’ve either faced or am currently going through, so I thought I’d mix things up a bit and share from what feels like quite a good place.

When we moved just over a month ago I felt really anxious about what faced us, new friendships for the children and us, new routine, new church, a loss of security and ‘the known’, Throw in the old question of ‘how much you share of yourself when you’re the vicar’s wife’ (or Rector’s wife thank you very much 😉) and it felt like a mountain infront of us and if I’m honest I felt panicked, physically sick and like I’d rather just run back to the safety of Burgess Hill.

Yet I have noticed that by just stepping out in very small ways, (trying) to be myself and be honest about who I am, that what I thought was a massive thing has actually been ok (ssshhh, don’t tell anyone) and actually I feel pretty happy where we are. We have been so welcomed by our new church family and people genuinely want to get to know me and us. Our children are happy, we spend more time as a family and I am less cross and grumpy, I hope my children would agree and we dance more.

I think what I’m trying to say is that when we actually face the things that fill us with fear and dread that they are sometimes not as terrifying as we think they are going to be and even more, sometimes we can be surprised by actually enjoying them far more than we could expect.

So I just wanted to give God the honour and publicly be thankful. I’m thankful for how He has gone before us and prepared this place for us, all of us and not just Carl, I’m thankful for the friendships we are all building and for the friendships I still have in Burgess Hill and I’m thankful for our new church family who show us love and kindness. God is good.

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Well I might as well…

If I’m honest, which I try to be, the past few months have been somewhat unsettling.

Not only did we spend 7 weeks driving Phoebe back and forth to school in Handcross everyday whilst also getting Olivia and Toby to school in Burgess Hill. We then had to say goodbye to many dear friends at St Andrews in Burgess Hill, writing this I sense I still haven’t let myself truly grieve that massive loss yet, it just seems to big and painful. We then, finally, added in the house move. It’s very strange to watch your possessions slowly leave your house while you still live there. Christmas passed in a bit of a blur, Carl was licensed as Rector on Thursday, I think I survived the evening without being sick or crying and today was our first Sunday in our new Church, St Mary’s Slaugham.

It’s been exhausting!

At the moment life feels very in the spot light and in all truth that leaves me feeling unsafe and vulnerable, desperate to make a ‘good’ impression with all the lovely people introducing themselves. In all of that I have become aware of the temptation for me to try and regain control. When I feel out of control I frantically search for a way to feel back in control. For me, and I think we all know, that control comes in the form of food and exercise so I sit thinking of diets to try while eating a lot of mince pies. I realised this week that I have a ‘might as well’ attitude. I might as well eat all those mince pies/chocolates/biscuits because then they’re out of the house and I can get on with my healthy eating, I might as well drink that bottle of wine because then it’s gone and I can get on with being healthy and just drinking water. It’s a destructive pattern that I return to time and again. 

And what spurred me to write this post now? I was reminded by the lovely gentleman leading the prayers in Church this morning, David I think, of the power of our story. The power of my story. I am not the perfect Christian/wife/mother/daughter/friend… and thankfully for me God doesn’t expect me to be. Carl, in his preach this morning, see I do listen, spoke from 1 Timothy 1 v 5 “a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith” and that is the place I need to live from “God I trust you but I need your help to trust you” because I can’t live in a place where when life is good then I’m happy for God to be in control but when I’m struggling I try and take control back. You’d think I would have learnt by now that when I’m in control things spiral downwards very quickly. 

So for the next weeks and months as we settle into life in Handcross and to a new Church family, I need to look to God more and trust that He has gone before me. I need to remind myself, daily, that this takes time, the pain of leaving Burgess Hill will take time to heal and the building of relationships here will take time, it isn’t meant to be instant and that’s ok! I need God’s help in living in the present and not desperate to fast forward to the future because in doing that there is so much I will miss.