If I’m honest, which I try to be, the past few months have been somewhat unsettling.
Not only did we spend 7 weeks driving Phoebe back and forth to school in Handcross everyday whilst also getting Olivia and Toby to school in Burgess Hill. We then had to say goodbye to many dear friends at St Andrews in Burgess Hill, writing this I sense I still haven’t let myself truly grieve that massive loss yet, it just seems to big and painful. We then, finally, added in the house move. It’s very strange to watch your possessions slowly leave your house while you still live there. Christmas passed in a bit of a blur, Carl was licensed as Rector on Thursday, I think I survived the evening without being sick or crying and today was our first Sunday in our new Church, St Mary’s Slaugham.
It’s been exhausting!
At the moment life feels very in the spot light and in all truth that leaves me feeling unsafe and vulnerable, desperate to make a ‘good’ impression with all the lovely people introducing themselves. In all of that I have become aware of the temptation for me to try and regain control. When I feel out of control I frantically search for a way to feel back in control. For me, and I think we all know, that control comes in the form of food and exercise so I sit thinking of diets to try while eating a lot of mince pies. I realised this week that I have a ‘might as well’ attitude. I might as well eat all those mince pies/chocolates/biscuits because then they’re out of the house and I can get on with my healthy eating, I might as well drink that bottle of wine because then it’s gone and I can get on with being healthy and just drinking water. It’s a destructive pattern that I return to time and again.
And what spurred me to write this post now? I was reminded by the lovely gentleman leading the prayers in Church this morning, David I think, of the power of our story. The power of my story. I am not the perfect Christian/wife/mother/daughter/friend… and thankfully for me God doesn’t expect me to be. Carl, in his preach this morning, see I do listen, spoke from 1 Timothy 1 v 5 “a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith” and that is the place I need to live from “God I trust you but I need your help to trust you” because I can’t live in a place where when life is good then I’m happy for God to be in control but when I’m struggling I try and take control back. You’d think I would have learnt by now that when I’m in control things spiral downwards very quickly.
So for the next weeks and months as we settle into life in Handcross and to a new Church family, I need to look to God more and trust that He has gone before me. I need to remind myself, daily, that this takes time, the pain of leaving Burgess Hill will take time to heal and the building of relationships here will take time, it isn’t meant to be instant and that’s ok! I need God’s help in living in the present and not desperate to fast forward to the future because in doing that there is so much I will miss.