Slow down

I am often in such a hurry, get this done and then move on to the next thing. Quicker quicker, faster faster.

Why are we always in such a rush?

This morning I’m posting half way round my dog walk. Yup, I’m that person in the woods on their phone!

But I noticed something, I was walking at a pretty speedy pace, unconsciously rushing to get the walk done and get back home, there’s homework to do, washing of uniforms, beds to make, dentist appointments and on and on.

And I realised I was missing the beauty of where I was. In my speedy pace I had seen the beautiful carpet of leaves on my path and the trees in their changing colours but other than that my head was already into the next thing.

How many of us do that everyday? So  focused on what is next that we don’t really see what is right in front on us?

So for a moment I stopped, dead still, and just looked at my surroundings and I listened, I properly listened. How often are we so focused on the next that we just don’t see and hear what’s right before us? And I could hear so much, the beautiful bird song of so many birds, the squirrels in the trees and the tapping and creaking of the trees, the light through the leaves. 

It was and is beautiful but in my hast I would have missed in, not heard it or enjoyed it, it would have been lost to me.

So my challenge to myself and to you is to just slow down, ever so slightly, and see what is right before you, what is God whispering so gently that in our rush we might just miss it and not enjoy what he has for us.

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I don’t trust God with our finances

There I said it, I don’t trust God with our finances. 

There are a lot of other areas of my life I also probably don’t trust God with but finances is the area He is high lighting today.

I don’t trust in God’s provision for my family – it’s a bit uncomfortable when you finally realise what God has been gently trying to point out isn’t it!

Today was a bit of a lightbulb 💡 day for me. For a while now I have been feeling like I should get a job.

Notice I said should!

We have 4 kids and that was totally our choice and Carl works for the Church of England (his/our choice/God’s call) but that means that money for us is tight and there are a lot of things we can’t afford to do which we would love to do.

And so instead of looking to God to provide for us I start thinking about should, what I should be doing.

I don’t look at the times where God has been faithful in his provision, whether that be the love of our Church family which enabled us to have a family holiday, or the love of family which allows our children to pursue activities they enjoy.

I worry that I should be doing more to financially support our family, because I think God isn’t doing a good enough/reliable enough job? Because I can do better than he can?

Today I was reminded that for this season God has called me to be at home for and with my children. So I can take them to school and pick them up, so I can help in Toby’s class, so I can take them to clubs (taxi anyone?) so I can cook their dinner and do bedtime with Carl. 

That is what God has called me to do and be, no should but just be present. To stop thinking about what I should be doing but what I AM doing. And what I am doing and am called to do is different to what you are doing and called to do.

May God bless us all richly as we follow what he has called each of us to do and may the voice that whispers should be hushed as we are obedient to God x

Treading water

Do you ever feel like life is passing by and your just treading water? Nothing bad is happening, nothing rocking the boat, life is just easy and moving along.

Life for us right now is pretty good, unless you ask Phoebe – she would tell you Olivia’s nightlight is “literally ruining her life”. 

On the whole though, the kids are happy and settled in school, they are making good friends and are flourishing. Carl has settled into his role as Vicar/Rector (whatever he is) life has settled. And instead of always living thinking about what will happen next; Carl’s job…college…curacy…incumbency, we now just get to live and be fully here and not thinking about what is coming next. 

Now don’t get me wrong, that all feels good and it’s nice to feel we’re putting down some roots which will last longer than 3 years but I’ve realised I spend most of my life living in the expectation, the excitement/anxiety of the what’s next. So now I feel like I don’t quite know what to do or what I’m doing. And if I’m honest I feel a bit lost and a bit empty and a lot inadequate. And if I’m really honest, I feel like my old masks are slipping themselves back on again, protecting me and keeping me safe.

And I wonder if after the ‘honeymoon period’ people will start to see me for how I see me and maybe they won’t like me so much.

Because now I’m listening to the old lies about myself again, that little stronghold that lets the devil in and it flipping gets me every time! “I’m not good enough, I’m boring, I’m self absorbed, I’m lazy, I’m fat & ugly, I need to do/be more” the list goes on but you get the idea of my areas of weakness.

And it’s so easy to listen to those lies and accept them as truth, and I say this from a place of currently believing them, I’m not out the other side but right in the fog searching for the truth. This isn’t my smartie pants post where I pretend to be all wise about what I’ve learnt but my cry from the pit of emptiness.

This is me reaching out to God asking him to reveal his truth and who he made me to be, not who I am as a result of x, y & z.

So that’s it, life goes along smoothly and we can sometimes slip back into relying on our own ability rather than God and then we get that reminder, sometimes gentle sometimes not, that it’s better to give the steering wheel of our lives over to God because thankfully he is a better driver and navigator than I am.