Recently I have felt more in control of myself. Less swayed by the actions of others. More steady.
Until last night…
Last night I lost it with one of our children. She is going through a stage of really testing the boundaries at bedtime, there is shouting, stamping, slamming, sobbing, spite filled words, I can’t think of another word starting with S so there is also throwing.
And I was in a better place to deal with it, a few months ago I wasn’t and I would shout back, make demands of her and throw her toys on the floor (as she did to her siblings). Yes I realise it wasn’t the best method but we had tried so many other things we’d run out of ideas so shouting seemed like a good idea!
But the past few weeks I had managed to remain calm, as she swung from shouting to screaming I stayed steady, as she went from screaming to throwing I stayed consistent, from throwing to stamping I gave consequences I actually followed through on. I stayed as the parent she needed me to be.
But last night I was tired and she was tired and when it kicked off (during the Strictly final I might add) I lost the plot pretty quickly. She was, shouting and kicking, fighting with the door and the light, while her siblings were trying to get ready for bed. And I steamrollered in full guns blazing, how I thought that would help I don’t know but hey, that’s what I did!
She was left in a room with no toys, no sibling she shares a room with (she’d thrown a torch at her) no lightbulb in her light, and I was left seething outside the door.
At some point I did realise things might not have gone as I would have liked and I did take a breather and then go in to speak to her, much more calmly, but I think the damage was done by them. Carl came in to speak to her too so I stepped out and went straight to find the galaxy chocolate and the caramel ice cream to hide my regret in.
And it works doesn’t it, for that moment at least. I stop thinking about the crappy job I did of parenting and can soothe my hurting heart with food.
Until the last mouthful…
That last mouthful is like the sun coming up on a new day
As the sun slowly rises it highlights the darkness below it, almost pointing out how much darkness there is lurking beneath.
And that is what was left after that last mouthful, darkness, shame, guilt and regret. Not only had I failed my child in being the person to remain steady and constant but I’d also failed myself, food had consumed me YET AGAIN! I had believed its lies that it would comfort and heal my wounds. But it cannot do that can it!
Because in turning to food to get my needs met I am not turning to God for them to be met. Time and again I am trying in my own strength and not His and IT FAILS EVERY TIME!
And I say things will be different next time, that I will be calmer, better, but I don’t know whether they will be, I know I need to talk to God more than I do especially in the moments when food is calling, but it’s not easy is it. In moments of weakness to choose another path to take when there is such an easy well worn path we could take right in front of us with the gate already open to welcome us in.
But it is a choice isn’t it. A choice to say I am worth more that this, I deserve better than this. Because I am loved by God, even when I don’t feel very lovely or worthy He still loves, accepts and welcomes me in. As He does to you.