Just a bit broken…

Tonight I stood outside my daughters bedroom and I cried.

Over the past few months, as a family, we have all had to deal and cope with outbursts of anger. But tonight it has pushed me to the point of feeling just broken.

The flare ups started in spring last year and our lovely daughter was replaced by this child who’s temper would blow up at the smallest thing…

She/he looked at me

I can’t do my homework

I don’t want to be on my own

I don’t want to go to bed

I want another biscuit

It’s not fair

I don’t want to eat that

The list of complaints could go on and on. But my point is that the cause of the blow up was usually a very minor issue and not deserving of the severe response we got.

In the summer term our daughter met with a teacher in the school – whether this actually helped or not I don’t know but it at least felt like we were doing something to support her.

By autumn it felt like we had turned a corner and the frequency had lessened…until recently that is.

In the past few weeks the frequency and severity of her flare ups has gone through the roof.

She is regularly physical in her anger; things are thrown, people are pushed and shouted at and it can take till gone 10pm to actually get her to sleep.

We are exhausted and at a loss of how to help her.

She is like Jekyll and Hyde, we are never sure which one will wake up, which one will greet us from school, which one we will kiss goodnight and it has reached a point where I feel broken by her.

What a thing to say as a parent!

My child has broken me

I hate it.

I hate that sometimes I just have to walk away from her and let Carl step in.

I hate that there are times I want to scream right back at her.

I hate that I want to point out every single little way in that she is hurting everyone she cares about and is pushing them all away.

I hate that I want to reason with her and get her to acknowledge the impact of her actions, not only on herself but on her family.

I hate that I feel like we are failures as parents.

I and HATE that nights like tonight make me want to throw the towel in and say I’ve had enough, I’m not doing this anymore.

So why write this post? Especially while Carl is still having to be upstairs with her?

Because maybe I’m not the only parent in the world who’s child is pushing them beyond their limit and almost to the point of breaking? Because maybe I not the only parent who feels like they’re banging their head against the wall in frustration? Because maybe another parent out there needs to know that they are not alone either! Because maybe this is my outlet for the pain I currently feel, this is my screaming out This isn’t fair!!!

So I’m not going to walk out on her.

I am going to try my very best to stay with her in her anger and to try and empathise with her feelings. I am going to try to help her get to the root of what is causing her so much pain and I am going to make her feel safe and secure. And I am going to love her, man I am going to love her!

I am going to trust that God is with all of us and that he will bring our family through this still in one piece, that he will protect Carl and I, not only as parents but also as a couple as we struggle forward.

But for tonight I am going to try my very best not to plant my face in a box of chocolates in a bid to ease my hurting.