I have a deep seated belief that in order for me to be ‘ok’ I must ‘do’ something.
For me to be lovable even likeable I must somehow be different to how I currently am or I must do more. I must earn acceptance both of God and other people in order to be accepted.
I tell myself that if I can just get control in this area or that, then I will be acceptable, if I can get these people to like me I will be ok, if I can be a Pinterest mummy then I will have a sense of self worth, of value, if I can look this way or act that way I will be good enough.
This is living under the Law, a system of Achieving (quoting LC). This is NOT what Jesus came to do in dying on the cross for me.
Philippians 3: 9-10 says ‘and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ’
Galatians 2:21 goes further by saying ‘for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose’
If I can earn it then Jesus came and died for nothing! I am still eating from the Tree of Good and Evil, putting myself in the place of God, making myself like God.
And yet this is how I live my life, if I can control my weight, what I eat, what people think of me, the parent or friend I can be, if people like me then my sense of self worth tells me I am ok. If I can’t control these things, and invariably I cannot, my sense of self worth tells me I, at the centre of my very being, are not ok!
I am not ok, because I place my value on things I believe I can control or affect and in actual truth I cannot do either.
But I cannot earn acceptance, I cannot do anything which will earn a sense of self worth a knowledge of OKness. That is God’s role. I can’t read my Bible more/pray more/meditate more in order to be more worthy of God loving me. IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY, as much as I would like it to it just doesn’t.
And I know that, I KNOW it, I KNOW IT, I KNOW IT!! I’ve been in Church my whole life, I know it, yet I don’t know it in my heart. It’s purely head knowledge, it hasn’t traveled the few inches down into my heart, it hasn’t taken root in my soul. It hasn’t made that difference in my life that that truth has the power to do.
I hold onto my truth that I can earn God’s love by ‘doing’ not just by ‘being’. But that is staying under the law not living in freedom.
Just because you believe something does not make it true!
So how do I move from head knowledge to personal knowledge of God’s love for me? I don’t know! That’s where I am right now, I don’t know what that looks like, and while I hate that (because I’m not in control) I have to accept that God knows what He is doing and I have to come to a point of trying to trust him. That he will bring restoration and healing and that I cannot do that for myself.
Ephesians 2:8-9 finishes it off for me “for by grace you have been saved through faith. And it is not by your own doing, it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast”.
I cannot increase my self worth, I cannot earn my salvation, that has already been done for me, not through anything I have done or could do but what Christ did for me.
My debt has been paid and I wasn’t even the one who had to pay it, I owe nothing!
So here’s to God being in the driver seat and to being the map reader and me being the passenger in the back.