I think it’s been about four months since my critical other side was given the elbow out of my ear.
Four months of not listening to me abuse myself, criticise myself, put myself down, berate myself, rebuke myself.
And oh those months have been peaceful! To not constantly question what I look like or what I think people might be thinking about what I look like. To not use every window as a mirror to see how big and wobbly my bum is. Not to be disgusted when I look in the mirror or take my clothes off, not to admonish myself when I get on the scales and a lb or 2 has crept on, not to allow that to dictate my mood for the rest of the day or week.
But then today came along.
I spent the day trying to find a swimsuit for our holiday, and oh the JOY of actually having to try it on IN the shops to make sure my post baby body could fit in it. Oh the mirrors and the lights and oh the amount of flesh to behold!!
And it was as quick as that that the voices of self loathing returned to me.
Your so disgusting, squeezing yourself into THAT, do you actually think your even that size? Who are you kidding?? Everyone thinks your a fat gross pig that eats too much and can’t be bothered to get your fat lazy backside off the sofa to actually do something about it!! Go get some chocolate to make yourself feel better, we all know that’s what you do best! You could even pop off and pick up some laxatives, that’ll get the lbs off quickly!
And so I did, I got the chocolate, ate it in the car, got rid of the rubbish so I wouldn’t have to confess to Carl.
And why?? WHY??
All because I got dupped by the lies that are trying to worm their way back in, the lies trying to convince me that they are actually true?
Well from this place of feeling rubbish (which is where they have tried to drag me) I’m going to say no! I’m not having those lies and self criticism creep back in. I sent those hurtful voices away (with some kickass prayer thrown in!) and I’m not going to give them back the power and control they had in my life for so long!
So I’m going to own up to Mr S about the chocolate bars I inhaled on the way home and I’m going to leave these crappy feelings here today and not bring them into tomorrow with me!
Well done spite-filled voices, you may have taken a few hours from me but now I cut you off! You can go back to where you belong and I will continue to move forward because I am beloved!!