In whom do I trust?

This morning I did not put my trust in God. I put my trust in myself and my human ability.

In Church I was due to lead the service, something I’ve only done a couple of times so I’m not that confident doing it yet.

Now I’m a planner, I like to prepare and have what I’m going to say written down. I know that if I try to ad lib or just use bullet points then I will forget all that I feel God is saying.

So this morning I printed off my page of notes. Everything ready and in my bag. I got to Church and started to get ready, subconsciously trusting in my prepared script. And then it was 10.25, service about to begin and I was getting my notes out ready to go to the front and I COULD…NOT…FIND…THEM…

I could not find them anywhere, not tucked in with the order of service, not in my Bible, nowhere, they’d vanished. I had that sickening feeling that I’d left them at home, sitting on the desk in Carl’s study. And in that moment I panicked, my mind went blank, I didn’t feel able to go to the front and just lead, trusting God.

So I fled, I dumped Carl in holding the beginning of the service together (he’s a pro so he was fine) and I rushed home to get my clearly much relied upon notes.

As I arrived back at Church, notes in hand but rather flustered God gently said to me

If I call you to do something do you not think I will equip you to do it? You don’t need to rely on your carefully prepared notes, all you need to do is rely on me

Ah man! He got me! Turns out that when things get a little dicey I revert to trusting in my human ability and not on God’s Spirit within me. Trusting that I can do a better job!

We sang a lovely song this morning with the line

I will build my life upon the rock

and I will not be shaken

You know when God uses everything and I mean EVERYTHING to make a point? That was today, because I was shaken this morning and my anchor was not in Christ, it had shifted and I hadn’t noticed, or maybe I have noticed it in other areas but haven’t done anything about the issue of re-securing it.

So this morning, as I again turned back to God the Father, repositioned my anchor and rested in his presence I was reminded how God can and will use all things to draw us closer to him, to gently teach us and to show us something of his heart for us. He didn’t condemn me for wanting to serve him well but reminded me it’s not what I DO but who I AM in Christ.

I will continue to build my life upon the rock and it’s firm foundations!

A season of apathy

I haven’t blogged for quite a few weeks because…well…um…like just…well…meh!

I just can’t be bothered really. I don’t feel I have anything worthwhile to say. There’s nothing, it’s just all a bit…meh!

Good old google (my reliable source for ALL things) says

People use “meh” when they reply to questions, or in situations where they think they should be able to express their feelings (but can’t). In questions where the expectation is a yes/no answer, “meh” is often interpreted as a no simply because it’s too passive to be interpreted positively

That sums up where I’m at really. I know I should be able to express at least some feelings but I just can’t, there’s nothing! I feel like I look inside of myself and there’s nothing, it’s empty and hollow. It’s just a wilderness.

If I shouted “hello” it would just echo and echo back up to me!

HELLO…HELLO…hello…hello…hello…

I think I’ve realised I’m in a season of apathy, please don’t tell me I’m depressed because I’m pretty sure that I’m not, although do depressed people willingly admit that they are depressed? I know I didn’t! Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’m not depressed.

Back to my old friend google (sponsorship deal please?)

The main symptom of apathy is a lack of motivation to do, complete, or accomplish anything. You may also experience low energy levels. You may have diminished emotions, motivation, and willingness to act. … You may exhibit a lack of effort, planning, and emotional response.

This is me! I’m stuck in this vacuum of apathy, of meh, but what is mildly annoying (I can’t even drum up enough oomph to be frustrated or properly annoyed) is that I can’t be bothered to get myself out of this season. I have just settled in this crap hole of coasting along, of continued shutting down and retreating in to myself.

I can tell you that apathy doesn’t help relationships thrive, it cuts off the supply of oxygen to them, and if you cut off the oxygen supply then of course life will die. You’d think that would be enough to pull me out and up, to feel something but to feel or do something just feels like too mammoth a task so I stay safe and isolated in my withdrawn pit.

Right now from this place of lacking I don’t have any wisdom for myself. I don’t have the magic key which lets me out of this place. I’m kind of sure it involves God (obvs) and some work on my part (that thought alone fills me with fear, dread and anxiety).

But I do know that it doesn’t matter how far down we go (and I’ve gone extremely low) God ALWAYS has a way back for us. Always.

For now I have to try to choose to trust that God is guiding me through this season, out of apathy and back into enthusiasm, interest and passion. Because who I believe I am right now is not who God has made me to be and deep deep down I know I don’t want to settle for this version of myself.

So, here I am, not faking it, but showing up and being vulnerable in the midst of my mess and letting God do the rest.