This morning I did not put my trust in God. I put my trust in myself and my human ability.
In Church I was due to lead the service, something I’ve only done a couple of times so I’m not that confident doing it yet.
Now I’m a planner, I like to prepare and have what I’m going to say written down. I know that if I try to ad lib or just use bullet points then I will forget all that I feel God is saying.
So this morning I printed off my page of notes. Everything ready and in my bag. I got to Church and started to get ready, subconsciously trusting in my prepared script. And then it was 10.25, service about to begin and I was getting my notes out ready to go to the front and I COULD…NOT…FIND…THEM…
I could not find them anywhere, not tucked in with the order of service, not in my Bible, nowhere, they’d vanished. I had that sickening feeling that I’d left them at home, sitting on the desk in Carl’s study. And in that moment I panicked, my mind went blank, I didn’t feel able to go to the front and just lead, trusting God.
So I fled, I dumped Carl in holding the beginning of the service together (he’s a pro so he was fine) and I rushed home to get my clearly much relied upon notes.
As I arrived back at Church, notes in hand but rather flustered God gently said to me
If I call you to do something do you not think I will equip you to do it? You don’t need to rely on your carefully prepared notes, all you need to do is rely on me
Ah man! He got me! Turns out that when things get a little dicey I revert to trusting in my human ability and not on God’s Spirit within me. Trusting that I can do a better job!
We sang a lovely song this morning with the line
I will build my life upon the rock
and I will not be shaken
You know when God uses everything and I mean EVERYTHING to make a point? That was today, because I was shaken this morning and my anchor was not in Christ, it had shifted and I hadn’t noticed, or maybe I have noticed it in other areas but haven’t done anything about the issue of re-securing it.
So this morning, as I again turned back to God the Father, repositioned my anchor and rested in his presence I was reminded how God can and will use all things to draw us closer to him, to gently teach us and to show us something of his heart for us. He didn’t condemn me for wanting to serve him well but reminded me it’s not what I DO but who I AM in Christ.
I will continue to build my life upon the rock and it’s firm foundations!