It would be quite fair to say I have not been in a good place for a few months now.
I think it probably started with some critical voices creeping back into my head; you know, the good old ones that tell you your so insignificant that you could never be of any use to another human being. And from there triggered the old physical self loathing. Which is pretty annoying as I had been in a good place of believing God loved me as I was and not more if I weighed less of the scales!
So self loathing and disgust crept quietly back in, “look at your tummy, your thighs, your enormous bottom, your wobbly arms and double chins, you make me feel sick! 🤢
And then a couple of weekends ago I did my 10K with my Dad aka Mr Coach, it it was a great weekend, a bit slower than I would have liked (I blamed the heat of London) and then I got to see my race pictures! And they confirmed all the horrible thoughts of been thinking about myself. There was no ‘good’ picture, I looked hideous in everyone of them, you could see the shockwaves run up my leg as my foot struck the ground. In one picture I looked like I was about to die my face was so contorted. I was mortified and humiliated and I hit the bottom. And all the things I should have believed about myself were pushed out by all the lies that swarmed around the outside.
That was all it took to rush to the shops and get that packet of laxatives, knowing immediately that I wouldn’t stick to the recommended dose. And I used them for a couple of days. If I’m truly honest I loved the feeling of it, the post high but I also felt deceitful so I told Carl and handed them over, both relieved and disappointed that I could t keep taking them.
Then we went away and had the ‘blow up’ I mentioned the other day, and that just ripped me apart and sent me straight back to the laxatives. This time not telling Carl and hiding them from him.
I was low, hurting, feeling rejected, I’d pushed Carl away, I was ignoring God and all the ways He was reaching out to me, my running wasn’t going very well post 10K and this was a small way I could claw back some control in my life.
Only this pack of laxatives ran out this morning and we are due to go away again tomorrow.
I forced myself out for a run this morning, planning to do some hill and speed work as I know my endurance is rubbish at the moment. As left the house I was working out how to sneakily buy laxatives today and where I could hide them while we were away so Carl wouldn’t spot them.
I know, excellent wife and mother!!
I got to the place I was going to use for my speed work and scrolled through my music library for something to get me going. And I landed on this (which I haven’t listened to for months)
Hannah Kerr – Warrior
Staring down the face of fear
Gotta keep breathing
When the negative is all you hear
Gotta keep believing
‘Cause in the dark there is a light
Your truth it keeps on burning bright
Brave enough to fight the fight
And shout the battle cry
You’ll never stop me, I’m a warrior
When I fall down I get stronger
Faith is my shield, His love is the armour
Every scar on my skin
Is a beautiful reminder
Of a moment when I didn’t give in
And I walked through fire
I will keep the hope alive
I will find the strength inside
I will keep the hope alive
And in that moment God gently said to me
All you’ve done is fall down, and it’s your choice if you stay down, I can help you get back up and oh my girl you will be stronger for it
Lord, let my story be a glimpse of Your glory