This is the lie that an eating disorder and a distorted view of body image has left me with.
Well I’ve just jumped right into it haven’t I. No point beating around the bush is there!
I’ve said before that after having kiddo number 3 I became obsessed with exercise and my diet. In my life I felt out of control so I tried to find areas I could control – food and exercise, and then I went extreme! The thing about eating disorders is that while you think your in control it’s actually the eating disorder slowly taking control of you. It turns you into a secretive deceitful shell of yourself. I know this because it still whispers “go get some laxatives, but don’t tell Carl, he’ll only be disappointed in you…AGAIN!” You find yourself believing the lie, that somehow this time you will remain in control, that things won’t get out of hand, that you’ll only use them once, ok maybe twice, that you won’t risk your health like you did last time. And then your on the bottom step, covered in sweat thinking your going to throw up or pass out and you’ve fallen for the lie again.
He’s pretty smart isn’t he. How annoying!!
For the past 9 years I seem to have tried the same things over and over and over and yet I’m still surprised when the results are the same. Why do we not learn? Or is it just me?
Even now, 9 years later I still swing violently from depriving myself to splurging. Thankfully not quite to the same extremes but still with the feelings of guilt and shame attached. For me it is still all or nothing. And the message on loud repeat in my head is that being skinny = beautiful and confident and because I’m not skinny I must therefore be fat, disgusting and repulsive.
I read the statement this morning “Deprivation will never lead to lasting results”. Well that sucks doesn’t it because that’s the only tool I have and if I don’t employ that tool then I’m only left with what I had before – overeating and purging.
So where do I go from here? To be honest I’m not really sure.
I know that balance and moderation are the key but I find it hard to see how that works for me in reality. I know that laxatives are not the answer and nor is restricting my diet any further.
So you’ll see that this isn’t a post where I can share some lesson I’ve learned, because I don’t seem to have learnt anything from my past behaviour. The goal still seems to be skinny over healthy, skinny over sensible, skinny over maintainable. I wish it wasn’t like that but it is. I can’t give the scales up and just be happy in my body even though the scales torment me.
I think I need to work on honesty, both with myself and with Carl, less of the secrecy and shame behaviours and possibly some external wisdom. Trusting that I’m not alone in my mess and that some good can and will come from my struggles. The big thing for me is to try to be open about it, to remove some of the shame, hopefully both for myself and for others.