I often wonder why I bother to blog about my journey through an eating disorder.
Who really cares
Who’s going to actual read it
What difference will it make
Will it even make any difference
But today someone reached out to me and God gently said…
“This is why I asked you to do it”
My story, are you sure?? Um, ok then God 😯 I’ll get to it!
I think I grew up with a tricky relationship with food. Food was comfort, food was forgetting, food was hiding, food was reward and it was punishment.
What it should have been was JUST FOOD!
Why couldn’t it have just been food?
Do you know what I discovered just this week? Food is neither food nor bad! REV…E…LATION!!
I have lived for so long, far too long, with a black and white view that some foods were “bad” and others were “good” and if I ate too much of the “bad” then I would need to punish myself by either restricting food or using exercise as a retribution.
Who can live like that?
I’ll tell you who…NO-ONE!! If you live with a lens of “bad” and “good” then the foods that are “good” become less and less and the foods that are “bad” become more and more so that all your left with is celery! And who really like celery? (If you really do then that’s fine., no judgement here 😆).
That isn’t living, that’s just existing, and that is no way to live! (Side note, when I typed existing it came up with exhausting, coincidence? I don’t think so!)
So why do I write my story? What is the point of going over painful, dark times? Why not just leave it in the past?
Truthfully, It still helps me in my own journey, it brings healing to the parts of me I’ve neglected, it brings me wisdom and growth and it bring moments of clarity.
But it also serves a purpose, what a waste it would be to journey through all of that and then hide it away, what good does that do? For me or anyone else.
I’ll tell you something, I’m not ashamed of the eating disorder that tried to destroy my life, I won’t give it that power. It tried to steal so much from me and for a long time it got away with it. But now it’s out in the light, it still does have a little hold on me, it’s claws still try to pull me back down into secrecy, shame and hiding but in the light I can see it for the insidious thing that it is and I won’t give it that satisfaction!